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Psalm 78
. . . we will tell the next generation the praiseworthy deeds of the LORD, his power, and the wonders he has done. .
so the next generation would know them . . . and they in turn would tell their children.
Then they would put their trust in God and would not forget his deeds but would keep his commands.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

It's Getting Really Difficult

The waters of motherhood are getting much deeper, and my oldest two are just nine years old.

First of all, isn't this brilliant? Look at these sisters having such a wonderful time with their rich imaginations.

Being a twin is something most girls dream of, but the reality isn't always a picnic. Of course, most of the time it is a huge gift of constant, loving friendship. Sydney and Hope have great times together and their love for each other is deep. But sometimes being a twin is just a really raw deal. And being the mother of twins is hard, too, because I feel inadequate in helping them meet the challenges.

Jealousy between them seems to be growing. Suddenly it hurts them inside that all their friends are "our friend" rather than "my friend." I think I should advise them to let go of some friends and let friendship grow more with one or the other, but I see the pain in their eyes when they think that they might not be the sister that their friend prefers.

They are older now, and wiser, and beginning to see their own strengths--and weaknesses--relative to their sister. It doesn't cheer them that they have different strengths from each other, because human nature makes us shrug off our advantages as meaningless and focus on our disadvantages.

I tell them to leave behind the jealousy, that God doesn't compare them to each other, that it is okay to have different friends, that Daddy and I love them both no matter what, that being born two minutes ahead (or behind) means nothing, that it is a gift to have this struggle because God will use it to refine them and purify them.

I want to put it in perspective and remind them that life is hard, people suffer much greater things, this is petty, just get over it. But I remember being nine. I remember being the friend that was left behind for another. I know that the wisdom of perspective cannot be attained like factual knowledge. "Okay mom, you're right, it's petty. How silly of me to be jealous..." is just not something they are going to say or realize because I tell them it's true.

I think I'm in for a tough ten years. The tears are pricking behind my eyes as I think about it. This is a job that is too hard for me, Jesus. I'm not good at it. I can't do it. I hugged my girls earlier and advised them that, "It's hard to be a twin, but it is a blessing to be faced with hard things. If you weren't it would be much harder for you to see your need for Jesus to heal you." I told them each about the verse that I read yesterday about our great God:
And the LORD will make himself known to the Egyptians, and the Egyptians will know the LORD in that day and worship with sacrifice and offering, and they will make vows to the LORD and perform them. And the LORD will strike Egypt, striking and healing, and they will return to the LORD, and he will listen to their pleas for mercy and heal them. Isaiah 19:21-22 (ESV)
This prophecy is about Egypt, but it teaches me something important about God. He wants me to cry for mercy and healing. He is willing to strike so that He might heal! So that I might worship! I tried to help Hope and Sydney see that if hard things like hurt feelings and besetting sins give us an opportunity to see God's healing hand in our lives, then we can rest in Him and depend upon Him in prayer.

I pray that they will begin to see that this is true and experience that it is true as they go through these deep waters. I'm right there next to them in prayer, rejoicing that God is sanctifying me through the difficulties of motherhood, pleading for his help because apart from Him I am totally at a loss to give my precious twin daughters any wisdom. Help me, Jesus!
Here I am in the easy years, so thrilled to be a mother of twins.


Meredith said...

Hi there.

I read this post this morning and I have been thinking about it all day. I am encouraged by your humility and inspired by dependence upon God.

And I wanted to encourage you by saying that given you are thinking and praying about this so earnestly points to the fact that you are probably far more on top of it than you realise. And I think your girls are extremely blessed to have such a well thought through and prayerful mother.

Which is not to minimise your situation. But be encouraged to press on.

Mrs. Edwards said...

This sweet comment is so encouraging to me! Thank you so much, Meredith.

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